Mahalo All Around

Mahalo is, for those of you not in the know, the Hawaiian word for “thank you”. Here are some of the people in my life I want to throw a fat mahalo at:

1. Mahalo to my neighbors who let their 2-3 year-old daughter hang around in their open garage and wander onto the street whenever the mood strikes her, preferably without supervision. There is nothing like a 3-year old kid stumbling around a busy residential street to make me proud to be American. I once took a class on Politics and Islam and the professor pointed out that some Palestinian mothers wipe their children’s asses until they’re in double digits, i.e. 10 or 11 years old. Not my neighbors! They are teaching their child independence by giving her free run of the neighborhood. Mahalo, neighbors!

2. Mahalo to the parents in Kaneohe who bought their pre-teen boy one of those mini motorcycles. I had to wait until I was 18, licensed to drive, and able to walk and chew gum at the same time before I first hopped on a motorcycle, but you folks in Kaneohe made sure your kid learned the joy of motorcycling before he was 13! Beyond that, you are giving him an early start on the proper operation of a two-wheeled vehicle on a busy road with poor visibility. The fact that last Friday he tried to pull a u-turn, spun out, and fell off the bike directly in front of me whilst I was rolling along at 20 MPH was totally my fault. Sure, it was a 35 MPH zone, but I still should have cut my speed even more. That way, I wouldn’t have had to lock up my brakes and skid into the curb to avoid running over your kid. Mahalo, Kaneohe parents!

3. Mahalo to the drivers who like to get into the right lane of a busy multi-lane road at an intersection even though there is nobody in the left lane. That way, all those people stacked up behind you who want to take a right turn on red get a chance to chill out and enjoy listening to talk radio or something when they would otherwise have arrived earlier at their destination. I especially like it when the right turn leads to everything worth a shit in the town (outlet mall, restaurants, etc.) and is where 95% of the traffic intends to go, while going straight leads to two blocks of houses that is, obviously, the destination of only5% of the traffic. Mahalo, ignigent mofos!

4. Mahalo to the tourists who fly 7-18 hours to the middle of the Pacific and spend all their time shopping at the Gap, Banana Republic, and Tiffany’s in between breaking their fast at Denny’s, Chili’s, and the Cheescake Factory. Sure, Hawaii has all manner of cultural and historical landmarks that could literally take weeks if not months to explore, but you have to make sure that the menu at the Honolulu McDonald’s doesn’t have anything different than the one in Fargo, ND. Maybe they stock different stuff at the Polo Store in Waikele than the one in Peoria. Who knows? Mahalo to you tourists for spending loot in the $1.5K+ per person range for air fare, hotel, and car rental to find out!

5. Mahalo to the people who think it is a good idea to bring their younguns to R-rated movies with exceptional amounts of violence. In particular, I’d like to thank the parents who brought their 6-year old to “War of the Worlds” last weekend. The fact that he was talking, asking endless questions, and kicking the chair in front of him didn’t bug me at all. In fact, I think the scenes of humans being literally vaporized by alien deathrays will be a positive factor in the boy’s maturing process. His crying like a baby while leaving the theater, weeping at the horrific carnage he had seen for the past hour, was a cathartic experience which thrust him that much closer to manhood. They will probably be the last tears he sheds during his life, and there is no way he will be afflicted with vivid nightmares that cause him to awake trembling at night, with the echo of human evisceration dancing in front of his eyes. Mahalo, parental geniuses!

6. Finally, an honest mahalo to my friends at work who have to hear me rant on about this stuff all the time. They’re all mensches and a mitzvah to them for putting up with me. Even if one of them is a Cuban spy.

~ by kinshay on 2005-07-07.

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  2. How is this under the “Shay is a Penis” category?

  3. I have a mahalo to add. Mahalo to the mom that walked away from her full shopping cart in line at the grocery store with her 2-3 year old boy in it. I just love saving children from cracking their skulls falling out of shopping carts and then trying to make sure he doesn’t get lost or abducted looking for his mother anmd then watching the mom yelling at the kid not to run out the automatic doors while her order is being rung up. I really do enjoy dealing with shit like this after a whole day of being with other people’s kids. So mahalo to that and mahalo to g-d for giving me such a great life with my wonderful family. Nice post Shane, I really enjoyed it 🙂

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