How to Spend 19 Hours in Vegas – A Manual

1. Go to the airport with Ed. Get shoeshine while Ed leaves 10 minutes before you (he goes to Denver, waves at Jake, you go to Chicago.)
2. While in O' Hare bathroom, field a call from Da Kine, who suspects you are coming to see him. Lie. Say you are down stairs. When flight announcements are made over the intercom, say it is tivo. Fool brother, be amazed such a smart kid is duped.

Hour One
3. Leave Chicago, get in to Vegas 10 minutes after Ed. Sneak up behind your brother who does not know you are coming. He thinks he is waiting for a package Ed checked in to luggage from your mother. Give your brother a quick reach-around. Express shock at how happy and surprised he is to see you. Be somewhat dismayed at his total lack of reaction from being grabbed by his sack and not really noticing it. (What kind of games does he play in the army not to notice a mini-testicular speedbagging?)
4. Leave airport, turn wrong way on Tropicana, enjoy soaking in the city.
5. Surprise sister-in-law at Bellagio.
6. Get in line for buffet, line is 2 hour wait. Some nice man from Montana who has no dining companions (his wife is playing poker) asks you to join him, he has a pass to the front of the line. Go with him, bring the foreign straggler named Jean-Marc from Switzerland with you.

Hour Two
7. Eat a friggin outrageously incredible meal. Being a fatty, only eat one plate of meats, steal cheese from Da Kine' s plate. Eat only 1 2 desserts. (Why did you lose only one pound this week? hmmmm.) Note that everyone else eats two – three plates and gets three desserts each. Even having been bad, feel good about some self control.

Hour Three
8. Check the poker room at the Bellagio. Cheapest table is $4/$8. That adds up right quick, limit or not. Think about the $2/$4 no limit $200 buy-in table. Decide to go to Mirage instead. Sister-in-Law heads off to bathroom. Stand around outside poker room. Ed notices Phil Ivey on phone. Wait politely for him to get off of phone to ask for a picture. When he does, Jennifer Harmon shows up. Get picture taken with both. Wait another 15 minutes for sister-in-law. Make her jealous and upset that she did not meet Jennifer Harmon.
9. Head to Mirage, find poker room. Sign up for table, wicked luck, they are opening a new $3/$6 table. You, Da Kine and Edo get to sit at the same table. (Poker play will be discussed later on FtN.)

Hour 9
10. Play well the first 4 hours, up at one point to $275 or so (y' all bought in at $200.) Wind up drinking too much and losing most of it to some bad beats, a lot of tips and some really bad play at the end. Don' t care about it because you are having so much fun. Call your future boss (BMan) at 5am EST to tell him how much fun you are having.

Hour 10
11. Go to sleep on Da Kine' s hotel floor. Be very courteous not to wake his wife who left the Mirage 3 hours earlier than you do. You do this well. Da Kine on the other hand falls, sets off the alarm clock, wakes wife. Bad Mojo.

Hour 11
12. Try to sleep, Da Kine set the AC to 60 degrees. Shiver, turn, shiver, turn. Get up, turn AC to 70. Get some sleep. Have a snoring contest with Ed. Couhtney is judge, does not declare a winner. States you are both losers.

Hour 12
13. Eat breakfast, hit the head, realize something is wrong with your stomach considering very little sleep and lots of beer the night before. Hope no one notices.

Hour 13
14. Head to the Hoover Dam. Disgust brother' s wife with the bodily noises and related discussion. Hear her say There will be no more talking about Shit! Go near security checkpoint, make fun of muslims. Da Kine says something so funny it makes you fart. Then he farts. Then Ed spits Coca-Cola all over the back of Da Kine' s seat. Feel sympathy for sister-in-law for having to deal with us. Drive across dam, go to Arizona. Turn around, go back to Nevada. Say, look, we just went to Arizona. Feel like a tourist.

Hour 14
15. Enjoy Hoover dam. Take tour. Realize your new found fear of heights when inside the generator room. Go back to top of dam. Feel fear and weirdness when you see Norwegian Folk Dancers. Marvel at the randomness of it.

Hour 16
16. Drive back to Vegas. Have discussion as to whether or not to stop at giant store named Stick' s ' n' Stuff. Do not go to Stick' s ' n' Stuff.

Hour 17
17. Arrive at airport, say good bye. Apologize to sister-in-law for your brother' s behavior when you all get together. She is very understanding, but probably very glad you are only there for a day.

Hour 18
18. Do last minute shopping. Get wicked cheesey Vegas shot glass and ashtrays for girlfriend. Pick up nice stuffed animals for girlfriend' s daughter and for your niece. Make sure to get Sigfreid and Roy tiger doll for niece so Kin Yah Brutha can play tiger attacks Roy with 19 month old.

Hour 19
19. Get on plane, pass out.

20. Days later, post pictures on your website

~ by kinshay on 2004-03-31.

No Responses Yet to “How to Spend 19 Hours in Vegas – A Manual”

  1. Hour 13 almost make me spit beverage on my monitor.
    Sounds like a hell of a trip.

  2. How did we not get any pictures of the Norwegian folk dancers?

    I would like to apologize to Jake for failing in my appointed duty. I was going to write up my trip report on FtN, but had such a Tivo backlog that I ended up watching 3 episodes each of Family Guy and Tough Crowd, then Scrubs, then Arrested Development. I then went to bed and slept like a little bitch.

  3. Check again Baby Brother. We got some Aerial shots.

  4. Did the wimmins and chillrens run screaming from the scary Ed monster or what?

  5. scary ed monster? *blink*

    it sounds like a great trip. had i been The Wife, i think i would have killed you all, however.

  6. the best part of #13 is that once scatological humor became verboten we had absolutely nothing to talk about.

  7. Yeah, try now.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: